today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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