When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
