WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
