look no pants
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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