my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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