Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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