this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
