i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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