i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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