smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
