You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
