Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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