On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
