I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
