Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
