i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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