New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
