morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
then he tried to convert me to islam
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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