I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
