I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
and she was petting her beer can
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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