your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
People in love make me want to vomit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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