i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize