Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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