he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
