about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
