"it" just moved
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
