Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
