Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
