she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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