Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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