My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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