I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
