I think I won the penis lottery.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
