omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
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