i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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