I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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