cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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