youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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