you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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