I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
