i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
