with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
