You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize