some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
