i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Congratulations! We have a period
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
