why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
