i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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