That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
