Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
