Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So much Jack, so little girl.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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