we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
