He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name