He disabled his match.com account in front of me
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.