Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Someone came in the potted fern
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
