So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
