I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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