You're my little dorito
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
