gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
