My room smells like vodka and shame
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
