We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
