Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
